Close Call (or, Careful with the Condiments)

I am Giving Thanks this weekend with my wife and her family in Orlando. Today, we were in Sea World. (Oh, the hu-manitee!)

We had eaten breakfast at about 8:00 and didn't get around to eating lunch until 3:00 (it's all part of a program to minimize total time spent in line). We experienced an unearthly delay in receiving our chicken tenders and French fries, so, naturally, we were on edge. (I, for one, am not accustomed to 7 hours between meals. But that's just me.)


Frazzled after the 20 minute wait for chicken tenders, I proceeded to the condiment table for sauce and napkins and the like, when--BANG!!! A loud pop unlike any other I've heard before. In the course of 15 seconds (which felt like an eternity), I surveyed the situation, fearing the worst, looked down and saw what I thought meant the end was near. A huge red smear ran down my leg onto my sock and shoe.

Blood, I thought. I've been shot.

Funny, in this slow-motion terror, there was no sting. I chalked this up to the amazing capacity the human body has for ignoring pain in trauma.

I was about to hit the floor and yell for others to do the same to avoid further violent assault. On my way to ground, the truth of the situation became abundantly and embarrassingly clear.

The gunshot turned out not to be gunshot, but rather the piercing crack of a ketchup packet (carelessly tossed to the ground) exploding as I stepped on it. Indeed, the blood was not blood but ketchup, staining my sock. And, the absence of pain was likely not the remarkable response to stress but rather the lack of pain one typically experiences when a ketchup packet has exploded on one's leg.

I'm in my hotel room now without internet access, so you won't be hearing of this story until I'm safely back in Pittsburgh and able to access my blogsite. In any event, I am truly thankful to be alive.

If you visit Sea World any time soon, be sure to check out the sea lion show and avoid Mango Joe's. Above all, watch out for stray ketchup packets. Perhaps guard your footwear with condiment protection.


Originally Posted: Tuesday, November 27, 2006
(Then) Curent Mood: thankful
http://blog.myspace.com/yajeev

Thanksgiving reflections... please contribute!

In the spirit of the coming holiday, I'd like to open a forum for my readers to share what they are thankful for.

I'll start.

I am thankful that I am not water-soluble. That would make showering next to impossible.

What are you thankful for?


Originally Posted: Tuesday, November 20, 2006
(Then) Curent Mood: thankful
http://blog.myspace.com/yajeev

Irony of the Day

As we exited the theater in which we watched Borat (this blog entry is by no way an endorsement), the cinema employee behind us, broom in hand, reported to her boss, "Borat's clean."


Originally Posted: Tuesday, November 18, 2006
(Then) Curent Mood: stunned
http://blog.myspace.com/yajeev

Thanksgiving Warning

Just thought I'd pass along this bit of advice I heard on the news today.

If you will be flying over the Thanksgiving holiday and if you will be carrying on a turkey, avoid wrapping your turkey in foil. The foil will set off the metal detector at the security checkpoint.

It could get messy.

(While themed for the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday, this advice certainly applies any time you'll be flying with turkey.)


Originally Posted: Tuesday, November 13, 2006
(Then) Curent Mood: helpful
http://blog.myspace.com/yajeev

I guess beggars can be choosers

On my commute home I often drive by individuals holding cardboard signs declaring their homeless and hungry status. When I have food in my car, I typically share it with them.

Today, I drove by one such individual. I rolled down my window and offered the only edible item I had with me: a baggie of baby cut carrots.

The man eyed me suspiciously, grabbed the baggie from my hand, and began to walk away. I began to roll up my window when the man turned around. When I rolled my window back down, he thrust the carrots back into my car and declared: "I don't eat carrots," followed by an attitude laden: "Psssh!"

Guess I can't blame him. I don't eat carrots either.


Originally Posted: Tuesday, November 10, 2006
(Then) Curent Mood: okay
http://blog.myspace.com/yajeev

It's not too late!

This for my Alabama readers... there's still five minutes to go before the polls close... not too late to cast your vote for Russell Paul Parker for State Senate.

Do your patriotic duty... and vote fast!!!



Originally Posted: Tuesday, November 7, 2006
(Then) Curent Mood: hopeful
http://blog.myspace.com/yajeev

I had a dream

Earlier this week I had a dream.

Lisa (my wife), Watson (my dog), and I visited my parents only to find that they had purchased a new dog. The unsettling thing was that the dog was identical to our Watson with one subtle distinction: the dog had two heads. This dog insisted on following me everywhere I went. At one point I had to change my clothes in the room that had once been my bedroom, and naturally I wanted privacy from this strange dog (by strange, I mean unfamiliar). However, the two-headed Watson clone would not have it. He insisted on sharing my privacy. I ran into the bedroom and tried to slam the door shut, but the dog forced his way through before I could lock myself in. The dog of super strength, having gained entrance to my once sacred domain, lunged at me, knocking me onto my back. He was on top of me, both heads furiously licking my face. I struggled and writhed but the dog was the victor. In the midst of futile resistance, I awoke from my dream with a start, relieved to see, lying asleep on the floor next to my own bed, my single-headed Watson.

This dream has been troubling me all week, and I am looking for a (non-Freudian) interpretation.

Please help.


Originally Posted: Tuesday, November 3, 2006
(Then) Curent Mood: confused
http://blog.myspace.com/yajeev

Fall back

[[Readers--please don't miss the other inspiring blog entry I posted earlier today]]

For those of my readers NOT living in Hawaii, Arizona (with the exception of the Navajo Nation), or the American territories of American Samoa, Guam, Puerto Rico, and the U.S. Virgin Islands, you experienced with me the semi-annual (bi-annual?) changing of the clock this past weekend.

We observed the age-old (originating in 1918) tradition of Daylight Savings Time, whereby we 'fall back' in the autumn and 'spring ahead' 6 months later. If you're anything like me, you relish the once-a-year opportunity to get an extra hour of sleep in the fall (as we had this past weekend) but dread the springtime loss of an hour of much-needed, hard-earned rest. We awoke this past Sunday morning refreshed, rejuvenated, ready for all the challenges of the crisp autumn Sunday that lay ahead of us. We felt a burst of energy that has carried us this far into the week... a natural high replicable only by consuming unhealthy quantities of caffeine.

But, in the spring, you will arise groggy, confused, unable to function at full capacity for days until your body comes to terms with the fact that it has lost a precious hour of rest that it will not soon recover.

The joy of 'fall back' and the treachery of 'spring ahead' has led me to a novel proposal... one that will serve to re-create the joy of falling back several times over and eliminate the need for 'leap year' all in one fell swoop.

We need to completely eliminate 'spring ahead,' relegating the concept to history books studied by well-rested schoolchildren.

Instead of falling back once a year, we can increase the opportunities for extra sleep. I propose a fall back every two months. That's right... the first Sundays of January, March, May, July, September, and November, we will all turn our clocks one hour back, giving us an extra six hours (count 'em, 6 hours!) of sleep a year.

Plus, over the course of four years, we will have gained an extra 24 hours, exactly the time added by the ever complicated 'leap year' fad imposed upon us. You will never again have to perform complex mathematical calculations (i.e. is this current year divisible by four?) to determine whether or not a given year is a leap year.

The benefits don't stop there. In addition to 6 hours of additional sleep per year and the elimination of confusing leap years, we will improve the safety of our citizens. Studies have shown that the 'spring ahead' ahead leads to an increase in traffic accidents and fatalities. (It's science--just ask Wikipedia).

Finally, falling back every two months will introduce us to a variation that some would consider a detriment to my plan. That is, our waking hours would gradually shift from light to dark and back again over the course of 4 years. This should certainly be viewed as a positive, enabling us to engage in activities previously available only to night owls such as astronomy.

So, readers, I urge you, call your congressmen and congresswomen, and ask them to consider supporting this proposal. Or, if you are so inclined, as I know at least some of my readers are, run for office yourself so that you can make a difference in the sleeping habits, safety, and happiness of our nation.

I humbly step down from my soapbox.


Originally Posted: Tuesday, November 1, 2006
(Then) Curent Mood: ingenious
http://blog.myspace.com/yajeev

Still kicking

To my faithful readership,

A personal note. I must sincerely apologize for the dearth of blogginess as of late. My computer has been on the fritz, and I've taken it in for repair three times in the last month... each time it has been returned unrepaired. But, take heart, I will NOT let the man get me down. No, the upswell of support for my blog compels me to take whatever measures need (to be) taken to get my voice out there in the cyberspace haven I like to call MySpace. I will usurp whatever computers I can (read: Lisa's computer) to communicate with my people.

Rest assured, loyal constituency, the wit and wisdom you are accustomed to receiving at this very spot will continue.

The state of this union is strong!



Originally Posted: Tuesday, November 1, 2006
(Then) Curent Mood: encouraged
http://blog.myspace.com/yajeev

Contest Results

My readers have no doubt been anxiously awaiting the results of my September 3 contest. Entrants were asked to compose a mnemonic device to assist children in the memorization of the recently updated roster of planets in our solar system.

I am excited to announce the winner and a runner up. As promised, the winner's entry is featured in a blog post (this one), but there are other prizes not previously disclosed! The winner of the 2006 Planetary Mnemonic Device Constest will ralso eceive a 2006 Honda Civic, an Olympus digital camera, and Season 2 of Lost on DVD.

First, the runner-up. Russ Parker submitted: "My Very Educated Mother Just Showed Us...No!!!!" This mnemonic is easy to learn, rooted firmly in historical learning aids.

Our winner, however, maximized his creative potential when he suggested: "Many Vegetarians Eating Might Just Slurp Up Noodles." Truly original and inspiring. Congratulations to yajeev. Enjoy your new car, camera, and DVD's.

Many thanks to all who entered. The response was truly overwhelming. You can look forward to more great contests in the future.


Originally Posted: Tuesday, October 19, 2006
(Then) Curent Mood: exultant
http://blog.myspace.com/yajeev