Land of Yajeev: The Early Years

Have you ever wished you could have a hardcopy of the Land of Yajeev for posterity or in preparation for the unlikely eventuality that the internet goes out of style? Ever hanker for the wit and wisdom of Yajeev but couldn’t find a portal of entry to cyberspace? Do you long to read this blog while sitting on the john? Are you tired of draining precious ink cartridges printing Land of Yajeev posts?

My friends, if you answered “yes” to zero or more of these questions, then your wildest dreams have indeed come true. The Land of Yajeev is now available in book form! For my birthday, the wife spent hours upon hours compiling and editing the first two years of posts and comments of the Land of Yajeev and has packaged them into a slim 400-page hardcover or (more modestly priced) paperback volume now available for purchase at the brand new Land of Yajeev Mega-Bookstore. Perfect for display on coffee tables to impress your guests or to keep handy at your bedside, you will be able to enjoy and relive Land of Yajeev posts over and over again sans pesky computer. You can underline your favorite quotes, write in the margins, dog-ear notable posts, or leave your own personal comments at the end of each entry.

It has become a Land of Yajeev tradition (one year running) to make holiday gift recommendations, and I can think of no more meaningful present than the gift of bloggable humor. You will want to purchase copies of Land of Yajeev: The Early Years for all of your friends, parents, offspring, co-workers, acquaintances, mail-delivery personnel, sponsor children, neighbors, teachers, and significant others so that all of your kith and kin can experience the unbridled pleasure that is the Land of Yajeev. Information on book-signings will be posted as soon as the deluge of invitations from bookstores around the country hit my email inbox (any day now). In the meantime, if you want a signed copy, send an email to landofyajeev @ yahoo . com, and we will make special arrangements.

Visit the Land of Yajeev Mega-Bookstore to buy your copies today (and be among the first to rate and review the book)!



And, don’t forget—a panoply of Land of Yajeev merchandise is available at the companion Land of Yajeev Megastore. Stocking stuffers and Chanukah gelt abound!


Warning: You should not consume alcohol while experiencing Land of Yajeev: The Early Years. Do not drive or operate heavy machinery until you know how Land of Yajeev: The Early Years affects you. Insomnia caused by inability to rid your mind of Yajeev is a rare but treatable side effect. Consult your physician if symptoms persist for more than one week.

What To Do With Dummies (for Dummies)

We celebrated the wife's birthday with a dinner-and-a-bookstore Saturday evening date. We had an otherwise delightful evening, but I must report that I was shocked and awed by a few of the titles on the self-help book shelves.

While there may well be some individuals for whom this world would be better off were they not to propagate, I am loathe to issue broad, sweeping decrees promoting the sterilization of any particular demographic.


The overwhelming technical difficulties of implementing such a policy notwithstanding, we must rise above the temptation to compromise the reproductive potential of even the least among us.

Some of the other volumes made nearly as offensive recommendations:














Where have we come as a people when we wish or plot such calamity for those of lesser intelligence?

Perhaps, instead of subjecting them to all sorts of diseases and afflictions, we should provide those with diminished brainpower more opportunities for support and uplifting experiences, such as the following:














If some strong parental figures, snuggly puppies, and good career advice don't keep the learning-impaired off the streets wreaking all sorts of dummy-inspired havoc, then there's always one last-ditch response that has, at the very least, kept yours truly from spreading dummy pandemonium far beyond the reaches of cyberspace:

Warning: Spoiler Alert

I have given in to the craze and been consumed by Pottermania… I’ve just finished the much-anticipated seventh and final installment in poor-single-mother-turned-megazillionaire-no-longer-single-mother-author J.K. Rowling’s magical pubescent wizard series: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. It’s been a thrill-a-minute page-turning adventure. The ending was truly shocking, yet wholly satisfying. I must admit, I had my own pet theories, but I did not see the finale coming. Harry and his faithful sidekicks Hermione and Ron broke into Voldemort’s (cursed be the name!) supporters’ headquarters. After an exhilarating battle with his followers, the fearless trio burst into the lair of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

FOR THOSE WHO WISH NOT TO BE SPOILED, STOP READING NOW!
All others, scroll down for the conclusion of the synopsis.













Inside the dusty, candlelit (though quaintly decorated) chamber, Potter et al found the Dark Lord, back to the door, hunched over his desk, laughing vigorously. What captured You-Know-Who’s attention was not immediately clear to our boy hero and his peers. The lighting-bolt scar above Harry’s forehead burned, and, as usual, this sensation was accompanied by a glimpse into the soul of his evil archenemy… Harry’s point-of-view shifted from his own to that of Voldemort leaning on a writing table just feet in front of him. Harry (as Voldemort) was overcome with maniacal laughter, his vision at first blurry with tears. Voldemort’s pale hand wiped away the tears as the object of his amusement became imminently obvious. It was a computer—an iMac with the new Intel processor. Voldemort was scrolling through the archives of the Land of Yajeev blog, chuckling with each new post, occasionally muttering to himself, “I don’t get it, but it just makes me laugh.” Seeing though Voldemort’s eyes, Harry caught the reflection of himself standing behind the desk, darkening the already mostly-darkened doorway.

Harry felt Voldemort turn toward Harry as his point-of-view returned to that from his own two eyes. The burning of his scar turned more to a tickle. As if his wand had illuminated a long-hidden corner of his soul, it finally became clear what it was that had bonded these nemeses together: it was not their intermingled magical/muggle (non-magical) lineage nor even their great supernatural abilities, but rather it was their mutual love for the Land of Yajeev blogsite. Harry whispered, “You read this too?”

Voldemort, swiveling back and forth in his desk chair, hissed, “Only every single day. And I vote in the polls.”

From then on, Harry and Voldemort (who came to be known to Harry and his crew as Voldy) were fast friends, their years-long rivalry (“a simple misunderstanding” as Voldemort would later describe it in the wizarding newsrag, The Quibbler) now a matter of mutual amusement. They continued as faithful readers of the Land of Yajeev blog and even opened a store together selling candles with novel scents, calling these Wizardly candles “wandles” (Harry’s favorite wandle was Butterbeer-scented; Voldemort preferred the basilisk venom wandle).

Harry and Voldemort now more closely resembled Abbot and Costello than Skywalker and Vader. They would bicker (over such trifles as how much to charge for a wandle or over who would work the late shift at their wandle shop), and, every now and again, their skirmishes would elevate to the intensity of raised voices and drawn wands, but just a mention of a Land of Yajeev punch line (sometimes by their assistants Ron and Hermione) was all it ever took to diffuse the tension and return the duo to their wandle-peddling antics.

Potter fans had long wondered how Rowling would bring the story to a neat and tidy endpoint, and she managed to accomplish just that with the highest dignity. While this marks the end of the literary adventure for Harry and Voldemort, Rowling has graciously passed the baton of enchanted storytelling to your humble blogger.