Yahtzee Redux

For months, I have grieved the loss of a special friend that provided endless hours of comfort, entertainment, and thrills. Though this friend has left me, the legacy of shared memories of companionship and mischief has survived. I had thought that this friend was irreplaceable, that the void left in my soul by my friend’s absence could never be filled by another.

Nearly 10 months ago, cell phone Yahtzee deluxe (my dear friend) and the cell phone that housed it perished in what can only be described as a tragic loss of cataclysmic proportion (I believe the insurance companies call this sort of thing an act of God), and I was forced to bring out of retirement an older cell phone incompatible with modern Yahtzee Deluxe software. The addiction Yahtzee Deluxe had fed was suddenly starved; the withdrawal was excruciating.

Many were those who attempted to ease the pain: my sister-in-law found a website with Yahtzee Deluxe downloads for cell phones of all makes and models—attempts to load it to my aged phone proved nearly fatal to its creaky circuitry. The wife and I tried to play Yahtzee the old-fashioned way: with analog non-virtual dice. The little black-dotted white cubes were so loud, and sometimes the dice would take a hard bounce and fall onto the floor—the game just felt too out-of-control and in-color.

No, I would have to muster whatever resolve I could to face life alone (almost alone, anyway—the wife and dog do provide a significant amount of companionship, but unlike the ultra versatile Yahtzee Deluxe, they are not willing or able to spend their every waking moments in my pocket waiting to amuse me at the drop of a hat).

This sob story does have a happy ending, my friends: I have just acquired the latest in touch screen technology, and, perhaps to your surprise, it was not manufactured by Apple. I recently splurged and purchased a replacement friend: handheld touch screen Yahtzee. This pocket-sized electronic appliance with a bright blue backlight is the ultimate portable gaming device.

The advantages of hand-held touch screen Yahtzee are almost too numerous to list (but that won’t stop me from trying). Unlike its major competition, the gimmicky iPhone, which is bogged down with internet connectivity, voice and e-mail communicative capabilities, and expansive music and movie storage capacity packaged in a single sleek shiny black exterior, handheld touch screen Yahtzee is the no-fat, no-frills trimmed-down device that meets all of my (non blog-related) technological needs, unencumbered by needless fluff (who needs maps with GPS technology?).

No one ever calls my handheld touch screen Yahtzee, so my games are never interrupted. I’m afraid that the iPhone gamer can’t boast the same. Additionally, the handheld touch-screen Yahtzee is quite bulky (measuring a hefty 5¾" x 3½"), so it’s much more difficult to accidentally lose than today’s newfangled miniature cell phones (pictured, left, with really, really ridiculously good-looking model Derek Zoolander). Plus, handheld touch-screen Yahtzee comes with its very own hard-plastic screen protector to avoid all those nasty scratches that have plagued every miniature electronic device I’ve ever owned.

I can already hear the protests from the Nintendo crowd: “Sure, yajeev, you have your handheld touch screen Yahtzee but we have the Wii, with its incredible graphics and motion-sensing controllers.” And to you wee Wii players, I reply thus: “Yes, but can you play your Wii while stuck in traffic? While riding the bus? While using a public restroom? Furthermore, no handheld touch screen Yahtzee has ever (to my knowledge) been responsible for damaged plasma televisions, windows, pets, lamps, or limbs (click here for details) during the course of normal gameplay."

(with respect for Todd Beamer,) Let's roll!


Disclaimer: that Yahtzee, like any addictive recreational activity, has the potential to wreak havoc in personal relationships professional success.



The forecasted surge in posts to this blog may be compromised by the handheld touch-screen Yahtzee insurgency.


For previous Yahtzee-related blog posts, please visit:
* Warning: Not for the faint of heart
* Addiction
* Yahtzee Deluxe Update
* RIP: Yahtzee Cell Phone Deluxe

Sweet Sixteen

It was the ultimate Cinderella story.

No one thought it could be done.

Sixteen and oh.

Listen: I'm here to tell you that dreams can and do come true with just a little heart... and four years of obsessive-compulsive repetition.

Perfection. The New England Patriots couldn't do it. The Davidson Wildcats couldn't do it. But, assuming the personae of one effervescent Toad and another unflappable Paratroopa (the cartoon racers that wouldn't (say) die), your humble narrator has conquered the machine and run the perfect Nintendo Game Cube Mario Kart Double Dash 150cc All Cup Tour.* I have fought the good fight. I have run the good race.

Overcoming the onslaught of spiked flying blue shells, wildly careening around banana peels giant and small alike, deftly avoiding the decoy item boxes decorated with upside down question marks, I powerslid my way to sixteen consecutive first place finishes. Wario ("Here I go!") couldn't keep me down. Princess Daisy ("Hi, I'm Daisy!") couldn't stop me. Not even the mustachioed Italian plumbers themselves with all their heat-seeking red shells and pyrotechnic fire balls and incredibly shrinking lightning bolts could prevent me from finally reaching my goal of the perfect 160-point tour.

I skillfully navigated Wario Coliseum, scaled the DK Mountain, conquered the deceivingly treacherous Baby Park, and, finally, flawlessly traversed Rainbow Road (Rainbow Road is where I normally choke, unable to withstand the tremendous pressure of fifteen well-run races).

This was my finest hour. Actually, my finest thirty-five minutes and forty-seven seconds. We'll just round up. And I've got the screen shots to prove it (you didn't think I'd ask you to trust without verification, did you?).

It is finished.

Just in time for the Wii version.














I'm going to Disney Land.


(for the record, this feat of Nintendo greatness was actually accomplished several months ago--before I began to work on my dissertation. it's taken me this long to get the digital camera with the screen shots, the connection cable, a charged battery, and my computer all in the same place at the same time so I could upload the proof.)


* If you have no idea what I'm talking about in this post, do not despair. I promise to return with more readily accessible material soon. I just thought my gaming readers would want to celebrate with me.


(images courtesy of Nintendo)

Poll Results: Be it resolved...

Thank you to everyone who participated in the recent Land of Yajeev survey.

Readers were asked, "What is (are) your New Year Resolution(s)"?

Perhaps the results were unfairly skewed by the subject matter of a few of my recent posts, but the resolution most often selected was the classic: "Lose weight." I wish I could offer some helpful tips (other than the big 2: diet and exercise) for successful weight loss to the 40% of respondents who have so resolved. I'm afraid that any sure-fire weight-loss strategies I could propose would involve diet pills or limb removal, both of which should be approved by your personal physician.* I just hope that when you have succeeded in becoming lighter and fitter, you will remember all the good times we've had at the Land of Yajeev and you don't go off in search of a slimmer, sexier blogger.

33% of those surveyed resolved to "Visit the Land of Yajeev more often", and 25% hoped to "Comment at the Land of Yajeev more often." With readers' overwhelming commitment to become more involved in the blog, the Land of Yajeev may soon surpass the popularity of MySpace and Facebook. Before long, this site will be your hub for social networking, video sharing, scientific literature browsing, web searching, and instant messaging. Think of all the merchandising and ad revenues...

I'd like to think of this site as a sort of online support group for mishappers and recovering mishappers (such as the 33% of survey respondents who resolved to "Suffer fewer mishaps"). My blog is largely a repository for the mishaps I suffer. I write about my own misfortunes and misadventures so that others may learn from my experiences and avoid replicating the innumerable errors of my ways (for a highly abbreviated selection of yajeev misphaps, click here or here or here or here).

A third of my readers resolved to develop their critical thinking skills, hand-eye coodination, spatial reasoning, and patience in the coming year. That is, they resolved to "Play more video games".

Apparently, most survey respondents are satisfied with their smoking and television habits. Only one individual committed to "Quit smoking" (as far as resolutions go, it's an oldie but goodie). Similarly, just one person resolved to "Watch less tv", and nobody opted to"Watch more tv" in the coming year (which is shocking, considering the recent premiere of The Moment of Truth).

Good luck to all who have resolved, especially those who have resolved to visit and comment at the Land of Yajeev more often.



n=15



* This website is for educational purposes only. Information found within should not be used for the diagnosis or treatment of any medical conditions.