It was the ultimate Cinderella story.
No one thought it could be done.
Sixteen and oh.
Listen: I'm here to tell you that dreams can and do come true with just a little heart... and four years of obsessive-compulsive repetition.
Perfection. The New England Patriots couldn't do it. The Davidson Wildcats couldn't do it. But, assuming the personae of one effervescent Toad and another unflappable Paratroopa (the cartoon racers that wouldn't (say) die), your humble narrator has conquered the machine and run the perfect Nintendo Game Cube Mario Kart Double Dash 150cc All Cup Tour.* I have fought the good fight. I have run the good race.
Overcoming the onslaught of spiked flying blue shells, wildly careening around banana peels giant and small alike, deftly avoiding the decoy item boxes decorated with upside down question marks, I powerslid my way to sixteen consecutive first place finishes. Wario ("Here I go!") couldn't keep me down. Princess Daisy ("Hi, I'm Daisy!") couldn't stop me. Not even the mustachioed Italian plumbers themselves with all their heat-seeking red shells and pyrotechnic fire balls and incredibly shrinking lightning bolts could prevent me from finally reaching my goal of the perfect 160-point tour.
I skillfully navigated Wario Coliseum, scaled the DK Mountain, conquered the deceivingly treacherous Baby Park, and, finally, flawlessly traversed Rainbow Road (Rainbow Road is where I normally choke, unable to withstand the tremendous pressure of fifteen well-run races).
This was my finest hour. Actually, my finest thirty-five minutes and forty-seven seconds. We'll just round up. And I've got the screen shots to prove it (you didn't think I'd ask you to trust without verification, did you?).
It is finished.
Just in time for the Wii version.
I'm going to Disney Land.
(for the record, this feat of Nintendo greatness was actually accomplished several months ago--before I began to work on my dissertation. it's taken me this long to get the digital camera with the screen shots, the connection cable, a charged battery, and my computer all in the same place at the same time so I could upload the proof.)
* If you have no idea what I'm talking about in this post, do not despair. I promise to return with more readily accessible material soon. I just thought my gaming readers would want to celebrate with me.
(images courtesy of Nintendo)