Raindrops keep falling on my head

Wherever there is moisture, I will be there…

Whenever thunderstorms threaten to wreak havoc on picnics, yard sales, or outdoor church bazaars, you can count on me…

When dark clouds lurk behind silver linings, you will know whom to call…

Before you feel the first droplet of dihydrogen monoxide, I will have darted behind a lamppost or sapling or other such sufficiently massive object broad enough to hide my girth and will have mysteriously undergone the superheroic transformation from Yajeev the Blogger to Umbrella Man!

Shielded by a magical webless umbrella and cloaked with a spokeless umbrella sheath, I will project a forcefield of dryness around the eye of the storm.

Delusionally powerful, I will vaporize the liquid invaders by force of hot air that resides deep within me.

The only fluid in sight will be tears of joy shed by those whose days have been saved by Umbrella Man!

Concession

My fellow Americans...

It is with great pride in a well-fought but poorly executed campaign and tremendous sadness that I concede this Presidential election to Barack Obama. It has become abundantly clear that I will be unable to pick up the additional 270 electoral votes necessary to secure the election in my favor. Unfortunately, I have been unable to get through to Senator Obama via cell phone (he must have turned his ringer off) to concede voice-to-voice. I am sure that he is checking the blog every few minutes.

Perhaps it was my failure to go negative or the fact that I neglected to name a Vice Presidential candidate or enumerate a platform of scope greater than Department of Motor Vehicle reform. I will not put the American people through the national debacle that would be a recount (although I like my chances) nor will I follow-up on the innumerable (non-)instances of voter fraud which have resulted in tonight's result. I trust my fate to the judgment of the citizens of this great nation (and offer my services to President-Elect Obama as a potential Secretary of Yeast Biochemistry and Molecular Genetics).

Thank you to all who have tirelessly supported my candidacy and those who, with great principle, wrote Yajeev on their ballots today.




This concession speech is supported by Yajeev for President 2012. I am Yajeev and I support this message.

Rehab

Note to self (and any others who happen to read this and find themselves able to relate to self in that they have recently undergone root canal procedures): new S'mores ice cream treats from Burger King, while delicious, are not pleasant while you are undergoing dental rehab.

Dumpster Diving

In an age when the economy is in the tank, banks and megacorporations are dropping like flies, and government-packaged stimuli and bailouts have become commonplace, there remains only one secure investment plan.

I have been paying into this plan for years and look forward to the glorious day when I can cash out and retire on my earnings. Like a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, my treasure awaits me at the end of two glorious Golden Arches. That's right: Monopoly at McDonald's is back!

Yesterday, on the way to my car, I noticed that someone had thrown away a large soft drink cup-- get this!-- without peeling the affixed Monopoly game pieces! Of course, I overcame germ and grime and reached into the trash and removed the stickers for my own collection of this year's properties (you need to be willing to get your hands a little dirty-- or punctured by random sharp waste products-- if you want to be successful in this or any other worthwhile venture). Then, after work, I hit the McD's drive thru, specifically ordering so as to maximize game piece acquisition. I ate dinner while driving home (the wife is out of town). I pulled into the driveway around 8:00, and in my haste to let Watson out after a long day, I accidentally threw away my wrappers, game pieces still attached, in the trash can that we share with our neighbors.

I didn't realize this until I was driving to work this morning, mentally reviewing all of the properties I own (many in duplicate) and couldn't remember which ones I had earned yesterday. I replayed the post-large fry/"southern" chicken sandwich/ large diet coke consumption events in my head and could see myself, almost in slow motion, recklessly tossing the game pieces into the garbage. Needless to say, the first order of business when I arrive home this evening will be to retrieve those (probably winning) game pieces from the trash.

I haven't hit the jackpot (**yet**), but I have garnered two free breafkast sandwiches and 25% off my next purchase at Foot Locker. I'll keep you posted.



For a review of last year's Monopolooza, click here or here or here or here.

Molarity

Yesterday, our apartment building was on the course of the Hartford Marathon. Runners who had trained for months and months jogged, ran, and speedwalked past our home. I have on multiple occasions remarked that I would rather have a root canal than run 26.2 miles. And in fact...

Things went from bad to worse yesterday morning as I reclined in the dentist's chair. While Aiesha, the dental assistant, hummed along to Billy Joel's Only the Good Dye Young, which played soothingly in the background, my dentist's descriptions of her exploration of my buccal cavity became ever dourer.

As my dentist, whose white lab coat simply read "Dr. B", poked and prodded my cracked molar, the prescribed course of treatment progressed from simple filling to crown to (I shudder to recall it) two of the most dreaded words in the dental lexicon: root canal. In total, I spent three hours under the bright lights, shiny instruments, and careful hands of my dentist and her assistant.

Apparently, my dental infrastructure is remarkably resistant to the numbing effects of novocaine. My lips, tongue, and cheek went completely numb and tingly after the first injection, but it took 4 shots to prevent surging jolts of pain as the dentist drilled and scraped the exposed pulp of my tooth. Meanwhile, the two dental experts openly marveled at the volume of saliva I produced.

"It's like a river of saliva," Aiesha, the dental assistant remarked.

"No, no," my dentist, Dr. B, corrected her. "It's more like a spring."

"Yeah, a spring of saliva," Aiesha agreed. Then she looked down at me and added, reassuringly, "That's not necessarily a bad thing."

My previous dentist was awed by the size of my tongue, this one by the volume gushing forth from my salivary glands. My oral anatomical wonders never cease.




Just found this article about diversionary video goggles that allow the patient to watch distracting tv shows or movies during dental procedures... I'm looking forward to the day when I can liveblog a root canal.

Happy Wacky Wednesday!

Some posts just write themselves...

While I stayed up last night to watch the Twins lose in a one-game playoff against the White Sox, the wife went to bed early. When it finally came time for me to join her, she asked me, sounding alarmed, "Wait! What day is it?"

I responded matter-of-factly, "Tuesday."

"Do you know what that means?" she asked dramatically.

"No, what does it mean?" I asked.

"It means that tomorrow is Wacky Wednesday!" At this point, I realized that my wife was communicating from beyond the pale of sleep. My wife's impressive nocturnal communication skills have been previously noted (click here, for example); I was eager to continue in this conversation. "What happens on Wacky Wednesday, dear?"

"Everyone wears hats with googly eyes!" She giggled.

"What else?"

"And they might wear their overalls backwards!"

"Does anything else happen on Wacky Wednesday?"

"Yes--you wear shirts with little polka dots... and..."

She was fading. I didn't want to lose her. "What about the polka dots, honey?"

"The polka dots... they... talk..."

"What do they say?"

"They say, 'We're hungry. We want to eat donuts.' And then I give them little tiny donuts, and the polka dots are all happy." Her tone changed abruptly. "But the next day is Troubling Thursday." In her sleep, it seems, she believed Troubling Thursday to be as alliterative as Wacky Wednesday.

"What's so troubling about Thursday?" I prodded.

"I don't know what the trouble is... that's what's so troubling..."

She began to mumble, almost imperceptibly. I knew that I was losing her. I tried to revive her without actually waking her, but she was gone--lost to the deep, silent slumber that that follows RMM (rapid mouth movement) sleep.

I never learned what was so troubling about Thursday. I hope it doesn't involve nauseated polka dots. Godspeed to us all.

Retreat!

I spent the weekend at a departmental retreat, the ostensible purpose of which was to discuss the latest biochemical and biophysical breakthroughs of the scientists with whom I work.

The real highlight of the weekend, however, was Trivia Night. My team, "Team Food Table" (so named for our not entirely random proximity to the snack spread) succeeded in not finishing in last place. As it turns out, despite my timeless hipness, a fivesome comprised of me, three native Chinese scientists, and an Austrian postdoc could barely compete in the realms of pop culture and know-your-faculty minutia. We managed to hold our own in the famous historical scientists and identify-the-obscurely-photographed-common-lab-item rounds, but tune (and artist and year) naming would be our achilles heel.

At the very least, Team Food Table was well fed. Like doing good, eating well is its own reward.

Proud to be an American

One visiting German student will finish his research experience in our lab at the end of next week. I asked him about his plans were for his last weekend. He told me that he had a few important American experiences to check off his list: an all-you-can-eat buffet, IHOP (not this IHOP--although it's a good one, too), and a legendary Massachusettian (!?) state fair.

Sounds like one giant meal. God bless America.

What To Do With Dummies (for Dummies)

We celebrated the wife's birthday with a dinner-and-a-bookstore Saturday evening date. We had an otherwise delightful evening, but I must report that I was shocked and awed by a few of the titles on the self-help book shelves.

While there may well be some individuals for whom this world would be better off were they not to propagate, I am loathe to issue broad, sweeping decrees promoting the sterilization of any particular demographic.


The overwhelming technical difficulties of implementing such a policy notwithstanding, we must rise above the temptation to compromise the reproductive potential of even the least among us.

Some of the other volumes made nearly as offensive recommendations:














Where have we come as a people when we wish or plot such calamity for those of lesser intelligence?

Perhaps, instead of subjecting them to all sorts of diseases and afflictions, we should provide those with diminished brainpower more opportunities for support and uplifting experiences, such as the following:














If some strong parental figures, snuggly puppies, and good career advice don't keep the learning-impaired off the streets wreaking all sorts of dummy-inspired havoc, then there's always one last-ditch response that has, at the very least, kept yours truly from spreading dummy pandemonium far beyond the reaches of cyberspace:

It was good knowing you, Russ Parker's Blog

True to his word and despite the desperate measures undertaken by loyal LOYers and Russ-lovers everywhere, Russ Parker dismantled his blogsite on August 18, 2008, exactly one year after his most recent post.

In honor of this dark, dark occasion, I will go silent for the rest of the evening.

(the silver lining is that i've taken the liberty of copying all of his blog posts into word documents, so the possibility for an unauthorized version that is immune to russ parker's efforts to self-destruct still remains. don't tell his loyal lawyers.)