Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Pain and suffrage, or Don't be disenstickered!


Today and today only, if you live in the fine Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, you are entitled to a free sticker that has the words "I voted" with a little American flag.

You know that I am a fan of all things free, and while the sticker is not quite worthy of a Land of Yajeev Best Free Stuff Award, I was motivated enough to drive to my local free sticker outpost (a gymnasium in our local government building) and touch a few rectangles (that had words like "Hillary" and "Barack" printed across them) on a computer touch screen.

I was so invigorated by the whole process that, after I touched a few random boxes on the monitor and a button that said "Vote now", I walked straight out of the gymnasium toward the free coffee and doughnut-for-donation table without claiming my free sticker. Fortunately, I noticed that my wife (whose primary motivation for playing with the touch screens I suspect was not in fact a free sticker) had the oviform decal emblazoned on her sweater. Immediately, (free) coffee in hand, I marched back into the gymnasium and asked for my sticker.

"But you haven't voted yet, sir," the man told me. "If you vote, then I can give you a sticker."

"I did vote."

"Well, then I would have certainly given you a sticker." I wished I had a receipt or a touch-screen print-out to verify that I had already cast my ballot.

"Look, I... I... I touched that screen over there," I stammered, pointing at the voting station I had used.

The man eyed me suspiciously. Meanwhile, a disorganized, murmuring mass of would-be sticker collectors who had finished touching their screens gathered, waiting for their adhesive. Perhaps fearful of the mob turning unruly if they were not given stickers in a timely fashion, the man did what he felt needed to be done to address his problem (me): He reluctantly peeled a sticker from his roll and slowly extended it toward me.

I accepted and proudly pressed the tag to my chest.


Many are those who lived and died bravely so that we could have the right to touch a screen and wear a sticker. If you call the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania home, do your patriotic duty and claim your free sticker today.

6 comments:

Russ Parker said...

vote vote vote vote vote vote i i i i i i i i i democrat democrat democrat

Mike said...

You are a true American hero. I'd salute you, but I'm too busy wiping the tears from my eyes.

yajeev said...

russ...
please remember to vote just once once once.

mike...
thanks. stickers are one of my favorite bits of americana. i get a little bit teary myself when i survey my sticker collection. especially the page of onion scratch n' sniffs.

Grant said...

Some people can't get the stickers today..... like me. The people at the "free sticker outpost" are prejudice against people who are non partisan. It really sucks, because man I love stickers!

Andy said...

Bathroom attendants should hand out "I pooped" stickers.

yajeev said...

grant...
i am so very sorry for your loss. for a man who loves stickers as much as i know you do, may i make a recommendation? I Heart Yajeev bumper stickers are available at an affordable price at the Land of Yajeev Megastore. Look, I know they're not free, but a guy's gotta eat, if you know what I mean. But one thing is for sure--at the Land of Yajeev, we welcome all comers--no partisanship here! No matter what your race, gender, creed, orientation, we welcome your patronage. And I'll take that to the-- er, I mean.... and, you can take that to the bank.

andy...
great idea. since there aren't too many people employed as bathroom attendants (at least at the toilets I'm using), maybe we should print some stickers ourselves and leave them in bathroom stalls around the city so people can take them on the honor system after they've had a movement.