10. When I misbehaved as a child, my parents would hang me by my toenails over a boiling vat of pea soup.
9. Gourds are people, too (or are they?).
8. I have a recurring dream where I am being interrogated by a giant water-boarding cucumber.
7. Have you seen the way they treat those veggies in the patch…? the close quarters, living in their own filth, etc. Come on, PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Asparagus).
6. Saving room for desert.
5. My dad told me eating my broccoli would put hair on my chest.
4. El nino.
3. I have long suspected a connection between greens and al Qaida.
2. I have a genetic condition predisposing me to ultrasensitivity to the bitter taste associated with most vegetables.
1. The school bully used to pelt me with brussel sprouts at recess.