Saturday, July 21, 2007

Top 10 reasons I don’t eat vegetables

10. When I misbehaved as a child, my parents would hang me by my toenails over a boiling vat of pea soup.

9. Gourds are people, too (or are they?).

8. I have a recurring dream where I am being interrogated by a giant water-boarding cucumber.

7. Have you seen the way they treat those veggies in the patch…? the close quarters, living in their own filth, etc. Come on, PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Asparagus).

6. Saving room for desert.

5. My dad told me eating my broccoli would put hair on my chest.

4. El nino.

3. I have long suspected a connection between greens and al Qaida.

2. I have a genetic condition predisposing me to ultrasensitivity to the bitter taste associated with most vegetables.

1. The school bully used to pelt me with brussel sprouts at recess.

3 comments:

Russ Parker said...

wtb through adversity.

Andy said...

I can relate to #10. My parents used a similar procedure on me. They didn't favor pea soup, though. They had a concoction of chopped-up peppers and onions of all kinds, salt, and lemon juice. My paper cuts throughout my body would help the mixture soak into me, giving my soul the "seasoning" my parents said it required.

I still try to avoid peppers and onions today.

Their "soup" wasn't boiling, so at least I caught a break there.

yajeev said...

I almost forgot:

#11. Veggie Tales.